Why not dress for success?

As I was driving home yesterday, I noticed many fashion troubles. Given that my sense of fashion is less than refined, it takes something quite horrendous for me to notice. But when it comes to what you wear when you work out, I know what’s what. Khakis while running—uh, no.

Let’s start from the top. Headgear is permissible for baseball, running, football, tennis, hockey . . . pretty much anything. Except soccer. Wearing a baseball hat while playing soccer is wrong both functionally and morally. First of all, you can’t head the ball with a baseball hat. Second, is the sun in your eyes? Poor baby. Get off the field! I’d rather see sunscreen, sunglasses, and a parasol on the pitch than somebody wearing a baseball hat.

Shirts. Unless you are golfing, playing tennis, or wearing a team uniform, shirts with collars should not be worn. Same thing goes for shirts with elaborate patterns. This is especially true if you’re running. If you’re running, no shirt, a T-shirt, or an expensive, high-tech sports shirt is permissible. Anything with buttons or a collar should only be worn before or after running. And if it’s a T-shirt, it should not have cost more than $15. Free is preferable.

Shorts or pants. Do not wear anything made of a high percentage of cotton or wool. Workout clothes are meant for wicking away sweat and drying quickly. The more poly-whatever material, the better. Anything with a lot of pockets should only be worn casually, not while strenuously exercising. That means no cargo or jean shorts.

Socks. This is simple—no dress socks. That means no black or brown or tan or argyle—unless specifically made for the sport like soccer socks.

Shoes. Don’t wear dress shoes. Don’t run in sandals. Wear something that at least looks like it has support. Otherwise, you just look like you’re trying to ruin your feet, shins, knees, and lower back all at the same time. It’s also ideal to have footwear appropriate to the sport. Running on a treadmill in basketball shoes looks like you are not a regular runner. It also makes it look like you have nothing better to do with your shoes than run, i.e., you aren’t balling much nowadays.

OK, that’s all of the ones I could think of off the top of my head. If you have issues with these general rules, tell me I don’t even know exercise fashion. If I’ve forgotten something here, post it.