Why are thieves so inconsiderate?

Thieves are so rude! And kind of incompetent.

I arrived at my car this morning, in the basement level of my parking garage, to find that a third person wanted to steal the $100 stereo from this particular 1998 Honda Civic. Yes, this is the third time somebody has broken into this car to steal the stereo. Unlike the first two thieves, this person succeeded only in offending me by failing to actually remove the stereo from the car. But mostly I was offended by the many inconsiderate and thoughtless acts of the thief, which I shall enumerate here.

1. The thief could not remove the stereo yet took the face plate. Thief, I understand that you were frustrated because you realized you are incompetent at your (hopefully) second career choice as a robber. However, I'm not sure what you are going to do with a face plate and no stereo. Just wipe it down for fingerprints and leave it for the proper owner to use next time.

2. I am now stuck with a useless electronic device. That means I have to make a special trip to dispose of it, and that takes gas. Thief, you are ruining the environment twice over.

3. The thief stole my registration. Please tell me what he or she is going to do with that. Now, I have to deal with the DMV, which we all know is like dealing with somebody who is super excited to see you--except the opposite.

4. Though the thief was in the trunk, he or she did not take the stuff I had in there for Goodwill. How do I know the thief was in the trunk? There was a pleasant fruity aroma in the trunk from either cologne/perfume or gum that also permeated the car. I watched the BBC version of Sherlock Holmes the night before, so my powers of deduction were primed. Unfortunately, the thief did not want the giant bag of stuff destined for Goodwill that was sitting there in the trunk. At least save me a trip!

5. The thief tried to destroy the air vents, which makes the car look kind of crummy. What am I supposed to say when a passenger gets in, wades around the piles of trash, tries to ignore the thick layer of dust, and then notices that the vents have been hacked to smithereens?

6. The thief reoriented the stereo to the point that the proper tools cannot remove it. As I was trying to get the rest of the device out of the car, all the time worrying that somebody would pass by and mistake me as the thief, I only managed to lodge the stereo further into the dash. You may think that I can now understand how the thief had such a difficult time, and you're sort of right. But I am confident that my inability to pull the stereo from the car is directly because of the thief's wrecking ball approach--well, sort of confident.

7. The thief netted a haul of one working auxiliary cord, one broken auxiliary cord (sucker!), one scratched Live Throwing Copper CD (try selling that), a gate clicker (come back any time, you moron), a parking pass (bring your car), an unusable face plate (which may cost some money to replace), my ability to listen to music (this is the only thing that actually sucks) and my faith in an entire occupation (I apologize to all of you competent thieves out there). All of these are gone.

8. Oh yeah, the thief tried to steal something from me.

On the plus side, the thief left all my windows intact, which may mean I left the door unlocked. So, I'm going to give myself credit for that one. This thief also only took one CD instead of an entire book of them like the last one. Yeah, the last one was an idiot, too. You sure as hell weren't going to be selling CDs for a lot of money five years ago. The other nice thing is the pleasant aroma I mentioned. The car has never smelled better.

Given the frequency with which the bottom-of-the-line stereo is taken from my car, I have decided that once I can remove the current remnant, I will fill the hole with a Sony Walkman from 1988. I am hoping this will alert thieves to the fact that the music playing device is worth nothing. Of course, kids probably haven't seen a Walkman and may think it's the newest device. Guess I'll just have to buy another crappy stereo.

But first I'll have to figure out how to get the rest of this one out. Anybody have a crow bar I can borrow?

Why are Crooks Caught, part 1?

Alliteration as a second grader? A sign of genius or of Dr. Seuss's influence?

As promised to the two of you who took my birthday quiz last week, here is a literary analysis of a story I wrote in 2nd grade. It's called Crooks Are Caught, and you will notice a few things right off the bat. First of all, my handwriting was actually better back then. Second, my drawing abilities were not. They were about the same as they are now. Third, my writing skills have improved as much as my drawing skills. I wouldn't call this high literature, but some may say, "What is the step above high literature? Because this story above that step." Who am I to call people liars? Especially if that people is me. Don't worry if you find it hard to follow. Faulkner was also hard to follow sometimes.

Page 1 (Click to enlarge)

First of all, let's not confuse the author's life experiences with the narrator's voice. Obviously, the author took great pains to research this character and was invited to plenty of birthday parties and stupid trick-or-treating. Birthday parties are lame, anyways! Who cares about birthday parties?! Second, note how the reader immediately knows what time of the year it is without the author writing, "It's October." The first line really illustrates the authors potential, even if this subtle technique disappears for the rest of the story. Third, the author immediately sets up the universal themes of isolation and the desire to be accepted--as well as Halloween and birthdays. The author obliquely shows the reader that the protagonist is lonely and wishes only for companionship from a loyal friend who accepts him for who he is and will join him in his imaginary adventures across time and landscapes beyond the reality that fetters all mankind. I think all of this is pretty obvious from the well crafted sentence "And nobody would play with him." The simplicity of the sentence is reminiscent of Hemingway.

Page 2 (Click to enlarge)

Uh, here the author is filling the reader in on important details of the protagonist's life. One may consider the methods rather . . . bad. Some may even call them elementary, but what is one to expect from a second grader? On the other hand, this page gives the audience a taste of the action that is sure to hold their attention for the rest of the book. Notice how the author paints the scene with verbs: jumped, ran, ran, tiptoed, got. The author's grasp of the English language is quite evident. Perhaps even Nabakovian. I think it is also important to note the names of the protagonist's parents: Bill and Linda. Obviously, this is shorthand for Bill and Melinda Gates, who would eventually become one of the world's richest and most influential couples. I have to admit that I am unsure why the author chose to reveal such prophetic insight at this point in the story. I suppose if I were a smarter, better educated literary analyst, I may have a chance at understanding the author's obviously deeply thought out agenda. Alas, I am dumb and have not had enough years of school.

Page 3 (Click to enlarge)

I have to admit the illustrator of this page is very bad. The "dog", which is a term I use loosely to describe the abomination that the illustrator has assembled before our eyes, is a two legged beast without a muzzle. We can only guess at what it is because the "artist" has written "Arf!!!" in a dialogue bubble above it. In addition, this drawing simply shows the protagonist touching the crook's butt. Even the drawing of the door kind of sucks.

On the other hand, page 3 is where the author really starts to comment on society, pretty much like Chaucer did. The only way Peter can prevent the crook from using violence is to employ the very threat of violence that the crook was going to use. This action forces the reader to ponder the question, "Is Peter any better than the man who was trying to rob him?" The answer comes when Peter calls the "polices". That's right, he didn't just call the singular police, he called all the polices. Peter chooses society's standards of justice instead of employing vigilante justice. Is this a ploy to be accepted or does he truly believe that his peers' norms are the rules he must live by? Heavy stuff. It is also important to note that the crook is never given a name. Perhaps this is the author's way of making the crook a metaphor for all the faceless and nameless violence that society has come to accept as a fact of life. Or the author might simply be a lazy second grader.

Page 4 (Click to enlarge)

The author gets a little sloppy here. What is trick-or-tre-ating? And they were "inviting him to their house to play"? Do they all live in the same house? Hey, kid! "Alot" is not a word. Horrible grammar. As bad as e e cummings. On this page, the author reveals the selfless nature of the protagonist. He becomes popular but shares his awesomeness with all by making sure they go trick-or-treating together. I know of no less selfish act. Yes, that sentence is slightly confusing. Additionally, the author brings the fulfillment of the protagonist's dreams too early in the story. This is either bad writing or precocious writing. Early success in a story is often foreboding, indicating a fall of some kind in later pages. What is better than seeing a hero rise? Seeing his monumental collapse. Better than collapse? Witnessing redemption. The question is whether or not the author knew this as a second grader. Will Peter keep rising upon the airs of his ego until the glow of fame melts his wings? Or will the story continue as is, demonstrating that the author is a second grader lacking the life experience necessary to weave a proper tale of hubris and redemption? 


These questions will be answered next week. This is exactly half way into the story. The author also had the foresight to build in a cliff hanger at this point, for when the book was eventually adapted for a six part miniseries. He even left the last word on the page split. What could kids who are going trick-or-treating get that starts with "can-"? Is it a lot of cannolis? A lot of cannabis? A lot of candelabras? Tune in next week to find out.