Why would you ever say “irregardless”?

This has been a pet peeve of mine and somebody requested a post on it, so here it is.

Save your breath and just drop the “ir”. “Irregardless” is not a word, and if it were a word, pretty much everybody that uses it would be using it incorrectly. “Irregardless of the stench, I will eat that raw meat that has been sitting out for five days.” “Irregardless of the danger, I would gladly take a yacht trip off the coast of Somalia.” In these cases, the speaker uses the non-word “irregardless” when he or she means “despite” or “regardless”. I understand that there are some double negatives and it can get confusing, so let’s just take a close, step-by-step look.

We’ll start with the root word “regard”. According to. The verb form is from the Anglo-French, meaning “to look back at”. Broken down into the literal translation, we get the following. “Re” means “back”, as in “Reverse (turn back) course” or “She was disgusted by his rehair (back hair), and told him to shave it.” “Guard” means “to look”, as in “Kevin Costner was in that sexy movie, The Bodyguard (one who looks at a body)”. Regard = look back. It’s not a huge leap to see how this verb form is connected to the noun form, which Merriam-Webster defines as “an aspect to be taken into consideration”.

Now, let’s add the “less”, which means “without”. Think of the statement “I must be brainless if I use irregardless”, which also serves as a mnemonic device. This results in “regardless” meaning “without regard for” or “without looking back at” or “without taking into consideration”. This word makes sense when used in “Regardless of the stench, I will eat that raw meat that has been sitting out for five days”. In this case, you only look less than intelligent because you are eating rancid meat but not because you are using a non-existent word. You have clearly conveyed your point. Congrats!

Finally, let’s add “ir” to the non-word “irregardless”. In Spanish, “ir” is a verb meaning “to go”. Unfortunately, in English or Latin as a prefix, it means “not”. This results in the logical conclusion that “irregardless” means “not without regard for” or more simply “with regard for”. For you math-inclined people, it looks like the following: “irregardless” = (a negative) x “regard” x (a negative) = (positive) x “regard” =  “to look back at”. “Irregardless” would, if it were a word, mean that a fact or statement is taken into consideration.

So, regardless where you picked it up, “irregardless” is probably not the non-word you want.

Why the hell could you care less?

I could care less about the use of "I could care less". The statement is often used to express that one does not care at all about something. "Did you know that I threw away a tissue?" "I could care less!" I contend that most people who use this phrase mean the opposite. By using this phrase, they are saying that they do care. The correct phrase should be "I couldN'T care less".

Let's say you have a care-o-meter that indicates how much you care. At the top of the meter, you have maximum care-age. The needle would point to the top if you were asked how much you care about the most important thing in the world to you. It would point here if a Notre Dame alum were asked how much he cares about winning a national football title or if Dick Cheney were asked how much he cares about consolidating power in the executive branch. The top of the meter indicates the most you could possibly care.

At the bottom of the meter, you have minimum care-age, where the needle would point if you were asked to how you feel about the least important thing in the world to you. It would point here if the Big 10 commissioner were told that all the fans wanted a college football playoff or if Bush were told that we live in an international community with increasing globalization (in Bush's defense, he might not understand all those words). The bottom of the meter indicates complete apathy.

Now, if you could care less, that indicates that you are NOT at the bottom of the meter. There is still some room between where you are and complete apathy. You still care a little. If you want to say that you do not care at all about something, you have to say that you couldn't care less. That would mean your care level is zero--the bottom of the meter. There is nothing less important to you. 

"People might think you're overly anal for addressing this on your blog." 

"I couldn't care less." If you made it this far in the post, you understand what I'm saying--and that I'm saying it correctly.