Listen up! If you don’t know how, then just read on because you will learn what makes a bad listener. I’m taking a class, and one of the topics of the class is how to improve your listening skills. There are three blocks to being a good listener, according to my teacher. They are 1) refocusing the conversation on yourself, 2) trying to fix the problem, and 3) conveying judgment. Now, it’s simple: if a person is telling you what they feel, don’t do any of these things. Well, it’s not that simple, but knowing is a start.
“Let’s talk about me!”
Refocusing the conversation for a moment to convey empathy is OK and is often done with good intention, but we all know people who make the conversation about themselves. She says, “I’m really nervous about going to Africa.” Don’t say, “That reminds me of this time when I wasn’t sure where I was going in Cupertino. I had to go there for a dentist appointment because I got hit in the face.” The only person in that 1-on-1 conversation who cares about that is you. Your friend cares about going to Africa.
Sometimes people want to know that you understand, but you don’t need to provide a long anecdote to convey that. If you do have a story and they want to hear it, let them ask. Hearing that you had a similar experience may help them believe you understand, but the better, safer option is to rephrase and summarize what they said and maybe ask a question that allows them to continue or expand. Being a listener is not about you.
“Let’s fix it!”
We all complain, so we all know what we want from a listener: silence accompanied by vigorous nodding or an occasional “Amen, brother!” Remember this as the listener. If she tells you “My cat Fluffy just died from choking on a hair ball,” she doesn’t want to hear “You can take in that stray by my dumpster.” He may say, “Why can’t that %&*#ing guy tackle?” He doesn’t want to hear, “He tried to arm tackle and didn’t wrap him up.” Trust me, I he just wants Notre Dame that guy to tackle better.
People don’t want to hear how their lives can be better. They probably already know how, and if they don’t, fixing comes later in the conversation, if not later in the week. Trying to work things according to your logical doesn’t work because the person is expressing his or her feelings, which simply need to be affirmed. It’s not about making things better; it’s about making the person feel heard.
“You did what?”
People do not want to hear that what they are sharing is being judged by you. She says, “I should not have gone out with him.” She’s probably not looking for, “You went out with that?” or “Well, he does look unique.” Even if you think she made the biggest mistake ever, she already knows she did. Furthermore, she knows that you know because she just told you. You can judge, but you can’t convey that judgment. It will make a person close up and assume a defensive position. And that makes you a failure at listening. See, you felt a little defensive hearing that, didn't you?
Odds are that you try to do one of these things if you are not the best listener. My fault is “fix it”. If you aren’t sure what yours is, you can do an exercise, but it requires somebody who is willing to talk for three minutes straight about a topic they consider important. When they start talking, keep track of what comes into your head. Is it, “That’s like when I . . .” or “Why is this a problem? You can simply . . .” or “Idiot!” Alternatively, you can just pay attention to your inner monologue the next time somebody tells you about their feelings.
Once you figure out which problem you have, we can talk about it. I’m sure I can help you fix it.
No comments:
Post a Comment